Mahsa's World

Souless...

2011-09-03T21:11:00.000+01:00

I cannot believe after 3 years together, he cowarly sent me one email to say its over...

no explanation, no adequate reasons and no justification why he hasnt consulted shaykh before he took this action.

I have never met a more remorseless individual or seen an act as cowardly.

I am consumed with anger, I am upset, destroyed and feel like my soul has been ripped out of my body.

I sacrificed my all for him. Where is the justice God?

New Year New Me

2011-01-01T22:10:00.000Z

Happy new year to everyone.

I have decided to make some changes recently to my life... for my own sanity.

One is to remove a certain email from my blackberry to stop the every 2 minute nuisance of someones petty emails filtering in - and I have reduced/stopped succumbing to replying emails/sms from people who want to badger me or be nosy in my private life.

This has helped me get back in touch with God - the Lord of Moses, Jesus and Muhammad - and the more I read the old testament and Quran in parallel, the more I can see how God is. I read Surah Ibrahim today, then read part of Deutronomy. It was very enlightening - particularly as I was looking for paragraphs relating to polytheism.

Anyhow I have held off making any new years resolutions till the new job begins.

But I did go to St Michaels and light candles and ask Allah to give me strength to expose a certain man who pretends to be God (aka the gay, paedophile, imposter and charlatan Sai Baba) to my family who seem to think he is made of Gold. May the Lord punish him for his blasphemy and take away his speech, destroy his ashram built with gangs, corruption, polititians and sex offenders, and expose him to the world.

Christmas Season

2010-12-19T17:25:00.000Z

Hello there!!!

It has been manic since my exams finished to sort things out etc etc and the big surprise is I'm on my way out of insurance and into consultancy insha Allah!!

Right now that that is off my chest, I have been having the most annoying time with so-called friends and their pea brain mentalities.

Today I got an almost "you speak about Husayn, you sound like a Shia" I almost brought out the WTF key to her!!! Narrow minded whatsit.

Then people who get their knickers in a twist because I called the lead brothers phone instead of my Shaykh's phone directly... what is it to you if I wanted to have a little extra adab??

Then friends who love to talk to you when they want a sob, but when you just want to be friends and laugh and joke they make out their existence is more miserable than can ever be imagined and they cannot bear to say more than 3 or 4 words.

So... my new years resolution is gardening - or weeding.

I shall weed out all the people who don't need to be in my life and show them the "sod off" door - do excuse my french ladies and gentleman; we British girls are rather crude at times - Hugh Grant style.

So people who insult me, don't have time or effort to keep up our friendships or are un-reciprocating can just leave.

I shall be ruthless in only keeping what is a two way friendship; and I shall be ruthless in keeping my business to myself - and that means no you don't have the right to know my 411 if I cannot know yours. End of. Tough Shit!!

Hurrahhhhhhhhhh.

Negativity...

2010-12-08T17:55:00.000Z

The longer I have been on the sufi path, the more I have learnt to tune into the vibes people give out.

There is this one girl I went to uni with, and she was very jealous of me and everytime she came in my way something disastrous happened to me and she seemed to fly through everything despite her numerous mental health and other problems.

I do believe in Nazr, the evil eye, and I definitely think she has one.

I try my best to keep away from her but she chases me in a wierd way if I delete her off facebook - but I dont want her to be up to date with my life at all. I have already talked my way out of not giving her my phone number, but due to the numerous friends we have in common its really hard.

Its got to a point where when I see her facebook updated, I just think, Oh God I really dont want to know.

I tried for many years to have a good opinion of her, but during our last year and especially during graduation she did many strange things to me. I just want her out of my life but I cant find a polite way to do it...

Excited

2010-12-07T18:55:00.000Z

In between ROCE and investment ratio's; I finally got what I have been waiting for - couriered to me!!!

Alhamdulillah.

I don't have the heart to tell anyone yet; only a few close friends know, but when its all completed I will surely update...

I really ought to study very hard between now and friday, because after friday insha Allah my exam will be over and I shall be freeeeeeeee.

I sent a few friends some emails last night as I was pondering on how times have changed. I got some really amazing replies and some of them are very very close to my heart and soul - some more than others, as is normal I suppose.

One particular person withheld a reply. I had something I wanted to share but khayr.

I am constantly feeling like life moves on so fast and you are always meeting new people and sometimes, sadly, some people just lose touch. That is what happens with a particular girl I adore very much, but we only speak once or twice a year. The amazing thing about her is that we always pick up where we left off and our love never changes... but sometimes I begin to feel like its too much effort and I'll just stop making the effort to email/call people who never email/call me... just let the friendship dwindle...

To be honest if I leave this place, most of the people I shall miss live outside London... isnt that strange seeing as though I grew up here. Such is life.

For women like me who have suffered at the hands of men...

2010-12-05T17:48:00.000Z

I am trying to get hold of a Canadian Goose or Fjallraven coat - it really is too cold!

I found my travel journal yesterday and I realised how much I have changed in the past five years. I used to be so free and innocent, somewhere, with all the mental, physical and emotional abuse I have suffered at the hands of various men in my life - I have lost my innocence and I find it truly difficult to trust people.

In some ways I hate myself for ever having trusted some people so much and given them a good opinion (husn al than) that they could use it to rip my heart out of me and ruin my life.

It has taken me more than 5 years to get my life back on track - how much time I have lost.

I just thank God I have found a wonderful man who loves me for what I am; doesn't think violence is acceptable, doesn't compare me to other women and complain I'm too thin, or expect me to change colour.

Sometimes Ladies, life is hard, but change is in the hands of one person - ourselves.

Sloane Ranger - the muslim/jewish sloane

2010-12-04T17:15:00.002Z

I'll put my hands up and admit it - I love Sloanes. I spent a large part of my university life with them in the majority private-schooled newcastle uni... particularly the course I was doing.

For some reason I find their clothes (simple, hardwearing and practical) much better than latest fashions and I love their manners (polite yet not too serious).

And after all this hoo-haa of Kate Middleton (considered a Euro Sloane; like many of us who have had the good pleasure of attending private schools and have gotten through school and university with Daddy's credit card); there has been many articles written about the revival of Sloanedom, after princess Di.

I found this article which has totally cracked me up though: this person is writing a review for the orignal sloane ranger diary, but she goes on about how it's unfair they mentioned ramadan but no jewish holidays. Seriously? Get over it!!! If muslims were to start complaining how jews get preferrential treatment over muslims, there would be no end to it and people would run out of ink and write with their blood...

To have a laugh... enjoy: http://www.amazon.com/review/R2ZXYDCWVHE7W/ref=cm_cr_dp_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=0852232969&nodeID=283155&tag=&linkCode=

mahsa xxx

Not a happy bunny...

2010-12-03T14:41:00.002Z

I have a cold aka throbbing head, runny nose, swollen throat, inability to breathe, swallow or taste... and worst of all dizziness. Thanks to the horrendous snow spell which us delicate Londoners are not used to.

And to make it worse its all a week before my exam, how am I to study??

I had an interesting conversation with a Saudi friend today about the Saudi Royals. What do we get?? They want to murder muslims (Iran); they want to go to europe and drink alcohol, wear next to no clothes, party like animals and have orgies... for those of you in Saudia who don't believe us - take a holiday to the south of spain in summer and see for yourself. Then they have gay offshoots who are murderers.

And after all of this non-muslim behaviour they call themselves the Custodians of the two mosques!!!! What hypocrisy. All they want is to live in luxury and make their subjects lives miserable (like the sisters blog I read who has to pay a hefty sum to a certain prince to allow her, a non saudi, to marry her husband).

What did my saudi friend say to me? "Thank God you have recognized the truth, unlike many who still live in a fantasy"!

They only came to power because they kissed the feet of the western armies and betrayed the ottomans. Now once again they fear muslim power (Iran - be it right or wrong) and they want to demolish Iran so they can live in their happy oblivion.

Is the Al Saud family the chosen ones? Or does it reek more of all the ayahs in the Quran that speak of dhalims (opressors)?

Snow White

2010-12-01T17:03:00.000Z

England yesterday had one of the worst snow falls in recent times. When I got to the office I was totally covered in snow from head to toe and had to shake it all off.

The picture shows how the tram lines looked in the morning, by the afternoon there wasnt an inch of road or any colour other than white to be seen.

I am lucky I got home as a few hours after I left all the trains had been canceled. Electricity failed and it took some people around 18 hours to get off broken down trains.

The wedding

2010-11-30T21:33:00.000Z

I wore stilettoes to the wedding, and asian weddings mean from 10am till 6pm so my feet had lost feeling by the time I got home.

As with all wedding, there is soooooooooooo much drama - who says what to whom; who taunts whom...

In my case, this particular old cow (she is my cousins mother in law who has made my cousin the house maid and caused her to look anorexic), chased my mum the whole wedding trying to get me to marry her son, and my mum must have said no around 30 times and she still wouldnt get the picture. Dumb? Or just plain idiotic?

My cousin looked beautiful, but her sisters did their best to keep me away from them all (because I have a good 5 inches on all of their heights and with stilettoes you can do the math). Its stupid, they have had this behaviour with me since I was 9!! Time to grow up?

What made up for it was the good news I recieved yesterday... and Insha Allah I will share it with you all soon once things are clear. (No its not marriage, as you all know I am spoken for) ;)

Love Mahsa xxx

Family craziness

2010-11-27T14:31:00.000Z

I am in such a bad mood.

There is only two weeks till my exam and my extended family think its time to play games. Who shall I punch?

My cousins wedding is tomorrow. This cousin wanted me to go over yesterday and today as well, and is trying to show the whole family how she wants to include me and etc bla bla - we arn't close at all and she spent a large proportion of my childhood being a bitch to me, with her siblings etc as they were all older. So now she does this drama so I look like a idiot and anti - socialite (perhaps I am the latter) and she looks like ms perfect.

The worst part is mum gets totally sucked into the whole drama, demanding I go over. Thank God dad is totally cool about the issue and tells me to ignore everyone and get on with my work.

Why do people keep weddings in winter anyways? Stilettos and thin clothing in the freezing cold? Bring on the thermals.

I have this strange premonition (having lost husband number one and boyfriend number too) that her father thinks the groom (number 3) may run away too if they dont tie her to him asap.

Strange indeed.

Oh well - drama on.

2010-11-25T19:20:00.000Z

Did anyone notice the change in my blog picture?

Even though I tend to dress more traditionally in the old english sense of proper woven skirts with heels and argyle sweaters, I do really love the look of that picture. It reminds me so much of when Andalucia was under Ottoman rule and the women wore flowing colourful robes of silk with real gemstones... beautiful.

Today was a good day. I met two warm and friendly people, hardworking with knowledge to part with. Alhamdulillah.

I also walked past Savoy Guild Taylors... sigh...

Unfortunately, I need to wait for Mr Sloane to win the lottery, Or replace Mr Sloane with the Duke of Narnia...

2010-11-24T18:13:00.003Z

Up and Down, Up and Down - what is this??

La hawla wala quwata illah billah hil aleel hil atheem.

2010-11-23T21:14:00.001Z

The week has begun in a dispicable way and just to add to my stroke to unfortunate circumstances, I have now sprained my ankle to match my nerve pull - Charming. Should I change my name to Limpy?

I hope the next 3 days go well, they are exceedingly important for my exam. Stressed - that is an understatement.

2010-11-22T21:18:00.000Z

Did I just totally f**k that up?

Please God save my skin!!!

He was asking me about the coso model and how it relates to my organisation and about controls in insurance - and I felt like i was being slowly burnt in a toaster...

I hope I at least came out with my dignity still in my hands...

2010-11-20T14:44:00.000Z

Since wednesday I have had this weird sensation in my lower back - a sort of dull pain, that becomes sharp every time I put my right foot down and then the pain shoots up from the foot to my spine.

Now I had it before but no one can tell me what causes it - except that it happens sometimes and goes away by itself. Its a real nuisance getting in and out the shower and up and down the stairs.

My cousins wedding is next week, and I really don't want to go. It's not that I dont like her - aside from her family having serious attitude problems; I just have so many better things to do like concentrate on my exams and revision and my job search.

Lets hope it doesn't ruin too much time. I went to her first wedding and it was a total waste of time. I don't have much hope for this one. The groom is pretty minging too, he is totally pussy whipped (if I may be crude).

So I finally found a two peice that might work together. The problem is the skirt is a nice matt black and a beautiful cut and fit. The suit jacket is also black and a good fit, narrow at the waist but is a bit more sheen in its look, and I am worried it could be a recipe for a fashion disaster. But I cant find anywhere to buy suits that fit me - such a narrow waist and not so narrow hips, plus not many people make a UK size 6 (US 0 or 2)... sigh!!!

And despite my profession - I cannot afford Saville Row tailors. Lord help me.

2010-11-18T20:59:00.001Z

I went to the mawlid with the girls today.

I met a sister I havent seen in 5 years - time flies and ages us!!! I suddenly feel a lot older - I'm employed!!!

I met some really nice girls and had a plate of awesome rice forced down me.

Ya Helwa - my life is turning into a circus: I am juggling full time employement; with full time studying for my exam: with full time job hunt; with full time dhikring (if thats even a word).

I really need to just study now till exams and cancel all social engagements.

Speaking of engagement - OMG I am totally crushing on Queen Cathrines ring!! I love it.

2010-11-17T21:06:00.001Z

Ah the best of all, the sweetest, are the secrets we hide in our hearts :)

Eid Mubarak everyone

2010-10-02T21:55:00.000+01:00

Who am I?

Most of the time I know the answer, but every so often I feel how I feel now... depressed, suicidal and just confused.

I am the misfit in every situation - I dont belong to my family but I am of them. I belong to the situation I am in but I am not of them.

So what am I to do? Where am I to go? Who will listen??

Who really cares?

This world is temporary, yes, but even on a short ride on the tube you want a seat, sah?

All I keep thinking about is the movie I saw in Egypt, was it Rabia Al Adawi?

I'm back!!

2010-07-20T20:14:00.000+01:00

It's funny; I havent written in a while. I have been away - to Oz, to the hospital, to myself!

Everything changes once you have time to contemplate - like the stinging need I had to get rid of everything useless and negative and I am so glad I did after procrastinating for ages.

And like I said to my friend, the past was good, be happy and dont waste anymore energy on what has gone.

Sometimes you have to see things from your head and not your heart and so he says, Jäg alskar dig, and I reply Jäg alskar dig med.

Lessons learnt: Tänk först och handla sedan.

world cup so far 18th June 2010

2010-06-18T21:55:00.000+01:00

Okay so here is my confession - I have world cup fever (and I get it every four years).

So here is my 411:

England - Oh dear... what was the last match about? The captain looked highly uncomfortable, Rooney hardly touched the ball - all in all it was a lousy match as was the one before. 2 draws is not good enough boys; you have to beat Slovenia or else come home with shame.

Italy - my ulterior team. Didn't play as well as usual, players are not looking in best condition and lost their captain. Need to see what happens on Sunday...

Germany - started out the strongest team with a 4-0 victory against Australia (but seriously Aussies are shite)... and then messed it all up and lost to Serbia... what? yes, Serbia.

Mexico - the unlikely but strong underdogs, drew against south Africa and had a well deserved 2-0 win against France.

Argentina - so far the only team to really play with balls. A good 1-0 win against Nigeria and a fantastic seat gripping win 4-1 against south Korea.

North Korea - attack is weak but you have to give hats off to their strong defense and strategy.

Brazil - not bad, but not looking in form yet and just barely won a 2-1 against north Korea.

Netherlands - so far a strong team with a easy 2-0 against Denmark, but lets see when they face the south Americans.

Japan - not as petite as one would expect - the Japanese warriors won a good 1-0 against Cameroon and are a likely underdog.

Spain - the favourites are not at all looking good and lost a terrible game to Switzerland 2-0.

REST IN PEACE

2010-06-07T21:11:00.001+01:00

Viva Italia

2010-06-06T20:52:00.001+01:00

Ok so the world cup is coming, which is like a really huge thing in the UK and I have watched it ever since I can remember...

so I really want to buy a Italy football shirt (okay okay I know its a bit "see ya down the pub mate" with a cockney accent - but hey atleast its Italia and not England right... as much as I consider myself british!)

To be honest I much prefer rugby shirts and ice hockey (of course) not to mention my long standing affair with polos.... but I thought it would be fun to get a Italy football shirt and bring some colour to the office as our dear GM has allowed us dress down fridays in football gear (and wide screen tv's downstairs)... and every Tom (literally), dick and harry will be wearing saint george!

Grace...

2010-06-05T19:53:00.000+01:00

If your "want to" does not conform to God's "ought to" what can you do to have peace?

1. avoid thinking about the ought to - this is the most common strategy in the world. It is simply easier not to devote energy to ponder on it.

2. Re-interpret "ought to" so it sounds like your "want to" but to do this you need to be more sophisticated and sometimes need to have a good religious education.

3. Muster the willpower to do a form of "ought to" when you dont have the heart of the "want to". This looks good on the outside and some people mistake this as virtue. The problem with this is "God loves a cheerful giver."

4. You feel proper remorse that the "want to" is very small and weak and you exert yourself to do the "ought to" while repenting. This is not hypocrisy as hypocrisy hides that there is even a "want to". Virtue confesses the defective desire in the hope that the Most Gracious will forgive and restore.

5. You seek by the means of the Most Gracious, that He will give the "want to" so that when the time to "ought to" comes you will "want to". Ultimately the "want to" is a gift of God, because the mind of the flesh is not able to submit to the will of God. But only God can grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth.

2010-06-04T22:13:00.000+01:00

After thinking I had some disease for a week, the DR today confirmed I dont, alhamdulillah.

I just have to wait for the pain to subside I guess and all shall be well.

I really need to sleep...

2010-05-30T14:38:00.000+01:00

I am so grateful for this space - its like on facebook one has to constantly watch what one says incase you offend someone accidentaly and they decide to throw a bitch fit in your face, even though they dont bother to speak to you for 6 months and then somehow you are morally immoral and terribly wrong.

Anyways so having watched eurovision last night all I had to comment was gorgeous Sweden's Eric Saad was (aka Ahmed Khalid Saad) - see pic!! Shall I wait for the haram police to come stone me now?

Husayn is totally cool with me and my comments; but others seem to lack a genuine GSOH.

2010-05-23T18:53:00.000+01:00

Oh and I forgot to mention I spoke to my Vicar last week; I decided to come clean to him about the conclusion I made that Islam is still the superior religion (more adherent to God's will) as I feel christianity as it is marketed is not what Jesus intended - however I fully accept that perhaps many of my views have changed and perhaps I too am a slightly different person now.

2010-05-23T18:42:00.000+01:00

I have been studying diligently for my exam. There is only two weeks to go... but despite being more dedicated then perhaps I have been in many years... my hands and eyes still wander onto the ralph lauren website and this particular knitwear jumper I adore...

Some people still act like labour were a saving grace compared to the conservatives - but now they know for real all the excessive spending and the terrible condition the labour party has left us with.

Some still advocate liberal democrats... sure lets agree with the liberals nonsensicle ideas and all join the euro and become Greece No. 2

I hardly think voting over an anti - Eton discrimination is going to help the country and economy at all.

But now we are lumbered with this arranged marriage of Conservative and Liberals... lets see how much school ground tactics the liberals emply to get their way - crying and stamping their feet perhaps?

I really wish I could remember the name of the teacher in the EFL department!!

And back to the books...

At Last!!

2010-05-11T21:59:00.000+01:00

2010-05-03T21:47:00.000+01:00

I wanted it all, wanted what I could not controlI just cannot control it all
Levelled it off to a place where I could feel alive
and I'm not weighed down at all

Learning a lot, learning that I've just gotta let go
I cannot carry it all, It's not who I was
Taking me back to this place
Where I loved when I was just a boy

Don't you wanna just remember
Who you are?

I wanna be back in our summer
Do you remember?
Come with me
No room for thunder
No going under

I wanna be, free, breathe
Dream About our summer
I'll always wonder

Yeah we wandered around
Swimming at night under the stars
and no-one there to bring us down
We'll never be down

Now I know that when I think back
All this stuff's a state of mind
Don't you wanna just remember
Who you are?

I wanna be back in our summer
Do you remember?
Come with me
No room for thunder
Not going under

I wanna be, as good as it was
It wasn't enough, I wanted it all
I wanted too much, I'll never forget
About our summer
I'll always wonder about our summer.

2010-05-01T14:18:00.001+01:00

Take the Who Should You Vote For? England quiz

Conservative		55
Liberal Democrat		13
UK Independence		12
Labour	-17
Green	-18

You expected: CON

Your recommendation: Conservative

Click here for more details about these results

2010-04-11T21:31:00.001+01:00

This is what I ate today. Isn't it cute?

I have spent much time deliberating and observing and trying to draw conclusions. I think as one of my best friends said today, I have hit the nail on the head.

The problem with muslims in general are they don't learn from the good habits of the christians. The muslims can recite to you the quran in Arabic but how many can tell you exactly what Allah sed in surah 3, what was the story? the overall jist?

But christians hang out in coffee shops and highlight their bibles and add sticky notes and study it with each other, not from a scholarly academic perspective but just to learn and understand and get an overall idea of what Gods up to.

Muslims think they can't understand the Quran without scholars - this is bull shit. Why would God give a book that laymen could not understand. What they need is not scholars; but a willing brain. There is no respect to the book if you put it on the highest shelf in your room to gather dust, no respecting it is understanding it. People need to reach up, bring the book down, dust it off and study it, in simple english, not the fancy Shakespeare stuff no one understands, but layman's english and try to get a general jist of what God is trying to tell you. It doesn't mean you have to profess to understand and give a tafseer of every single ayah.

Isn't Yahweh supposed to be Elohim supposed to be Allah?

2010-04-10T14:23:00.000+01:00

I remember the first time I saw this type of depiction, I was some what amazed. When I think about Al Husayn (not my Husayn), I don't imagine a quite so serious looking young man, with a awe of might and fear. I always more so imagine a softer, gentler looking man, who struggled in the world against evils and gave himself up for the greater good. That's my Husayn.

2010-04-05T17:36:00.000+01:00

I made homemade shortbread cookies :)

I am fully pleased with myself.

2010-04-04T22:32:00.000+01:00

I went to two church services today.

The more modern All Souls was very nice and quite lively.

The high church had some amazing liturgy - All Saints, Margeret Street and was just perfect for the sufistic appeal.

2010-04-03T16:42:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I went to trafalgar square to see The Passion of Jesus. It was really fantastic and I got some awesome pictures. I did feel rather sorry for the volunteer actors in thin robes and having to wear sandals on the wet cold floor. One guy even had no shoes. And Jesus... well he was almost naked once they ripped all his clothes off and hung him on the cross in just underwear.

It was very emotional. I think I got a bit teary. It just makes me feel how I feel about Karbala. Maybe even more.

Isa Al Masih - my Lord and Saviour.

2010-03-29T21:32:00.000+01:00

Today I challenged the Vicar! I played the devils advocate and tried to bring evidences of Islam from the bible... it was fun :) He is a lovely man. God Bless him!

2010-03-27T18:37:00.001Z

2010-03-27T15:15:00.000Z

I made cup cakes... nice butter vanilla ones, and then I frosted them with buttercream icing and i put mini eggs on top. LUSH!!

2010-03-26T21:14:00.000Z

Mint tea in the back streets of St Christopher, Mayfair was nice.

I guess I had almost forgotten how easy it is to make friends with people from far-east asia. They don't have the awkwardness that some others do - and I guess it is hopeful that even at my not so young age anymore I can make new friends over some tea.

I look forward to monday - I already have a list of 10-15 intricate questions and I am afraid we will be there all night but I hope I can get some food for thought at least.

For now back to the slog, ladies and gentlement, adieu.

2010-03-22T20:04:00.001Z

Alas, my love, you do me wrong
To cast me off discourteously
For I have loved you well and long
Delighting in your company.

Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight
Greensleeves was my heart of gold
And who but my lady Greensleeves

Your vows you've broken, like my heart
Oh, why did you so enrapture me
Now I remain in a world apart
But my heart remains in captivity

Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight
Greensleeves was my heart of gold
And who but my lady Greensleeves.

I have been ready at your hand,
To grant whatever you would crave,
I have both wagered life and land,
Your love and good-will for to have.

Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight
Greensleeves was my heart of gold
And who but my lady Greensleeves.

If you intend thus to disdain,
It does the more enrapture me,
And even so, I still remain
A lover in captivity.

Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight
Greensleeves was my heart of gold
And who but my lady Greensleeves.

Ah, Greensleeves, now farewell, adieu,
To God I pray to prosper thee,
For I am still thy lover true,
Come once again and love me.

Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight
Greensleeves was my heart of gold
And who but my lady Greensleeves.

2010-03-17T20:01:00.000Z

Okay so here is the scenario:

You have had a long day at work and after standing half the journey you sit down. At the next stop this polish boy gets on and sees two of his buddies. He sits opposite them and starts to talk in Polish. But he doesn't speak. No! He fucking shouts so loud you think he is inside your head. And they go on and on and on and you get madder and madder...

and then 10 seats away is a very old man who is obviously so disturbed by the awful noise he justs gets off at the next station and waits for the next train.

Can i shoot them? I wish i could but i gave them dagger looks.

Okay next scenario:

Mahsa: Morning
Nicorette: I saw your email
M: yes isnt it great how its already sent out
N: I dont know its seems a bit odd
M: what do you mean?
N: I think its decietful that your sending out emails when you arnt even in yet
M: I just think its best people have it in their inbox first thing so they can deal with it
N: well I think its decietiful
M: well thats just a matter of opinion!!!

And in my head (get a life you fucking bitch, just coz you are fat and hate on me, and you dont even know how to send timed emails isnt my fault!)

2010-03-13T17:36:00.000Z

Is it so wierd that I dont see the problem in reading the dua tawassul along side Ave Maria?

I mean if we take the wahhabi view then asking maddad or intercession is shirk but then they happily ask the imam at the local to pray for them -but they believe people are dead in their graves.

I went to the local chicken shop yesterday and this very old man (80yrs) and young boy (20s) were having this chat. it was in urdu but my asian language skills just got me thru enough to get the humour... it went like this:

Young boy: Peace be on you uncle, hows it going?

Old man: Peace be on you, i havent seen you in a while. what can i say times are hard...

YB: but uncle you are so rich... you are a millionaire, no not even a millionaire you are a billionaire. Every time i see you you are on a date.

they both laugh (the old man is obviously too old to date and his grandaughter about 12 is standing near him).

OM: so are you planning to go anywhere?

YB: yes i really wanted to go to karbala but look at these people, every time you want to go anywhere and they are letting off bombs

OM: yes what wrong with these people always letting off bombs

at which point the YB food arrived so he gave greetings and left... it was so hilarious though in the traditional language I was trying so hard not to laugh out loud.

2010-03-12T21:13:00.000Z

I'd just like to say
I remember the day
I first woke with you

Some days I have to admit
The way we happened to meet
Was strange 'cos it was new

Not drinking no more
Not drinking no less
Not sleeping at all
Never in the same bed
Undressed at the bar
Engraved bench in the park
We'd watch them fly Sundays

Fly birds round my head again
Laughed at the words you said
I pushed the boat back to you
I flew from the rain again
Killed you with what I said
You already knew

Not thinking no more
Not drinking no less
Not sleeping at all
Never in the same bed
Undressed at the bar
Engraved bench in the park
We'd watch them fly Sundays

They say if something
Should fly away
And it fly's back to you again
Then it is yours

stereophonics

2010-03-12T06:53:00.001Z

So last night I went to the Stereophonics gig at wembley. It was so awesome.

The crowd was rather cold at first but by the end of the night everyone was warmed into it.

I did notice when I went last time I was the youngest... Just a new teen and ppl were in mid late 20's. This time I was 20's and still probably youngest and most mid late 30's. That probably explains the lack of proper rocking it out with style. Some people were just motionless no leg tapping even was hilarious.

Oh but I loved it, especially seeing Kelly my childhood love!

They played all the favorites!

I remember last time when I went with a school friend we were proper jumping up and down and screaming till we lost our voices. But in all fairness so was the crowd then as it was quite young. There were a few ppl really going 4 it so hats off to them.

Ana and her partner came with us this time and they were good company. I'm not convinced how much both boys actually liked the music but I know ana likes some of their stuff!

2010-03-09T20:23:00.001Z

So I emailed Rochester today and I told him - this is the line - this is where you crossed it. he apologised and everything went back to normal. But I had to do it because maybe he thinks all of this nonsense is ok but I wouldnt like it if a girl did that to Husayn so I can understand how patient he must have been not to react.

Husayns flatmate got robbed of his company laptop today - horrific.

Ana and I had an odd conversation today. It was not the best of discussions but I suppose for us we have always had very different ideas of how one should conduct their wordly life. I have always felt Ana disagree with the choices I have made, and fair enough, everyone has their opinions and prerogatives, and I have also not always agreed with how she conducts her business. But the important thing about friendship is we can move beyond these differences and still remain close. Friendship is not about finding someone who is a carbon copy of you - its about finding someone different who you can love. I hope I can be true to this.

I have also realised two things today. People always think the grass is greener on the other side and assume somehow you are better off than them. They are quick to point fingers and forget 3 point back at them. Just because you come across as polite they assume you wont turn around and show them how they drink their money down the drain.

Also funny how people when they know you are either asian or of a small unit family assume you get everything on a silver platter. I never discuss home life and these people are what my mum says typical white trash.

And also - its time to think about moving on. I am so so so bored doing the same thing.

2010-03-08T20:41:00.000Z

I'm so excited about the concert... I have been singing all their songs today.

So we had the takeover news today - I dont really see the need to worry about it.

I was a bit taken back by Rochesters odd comment infront of Husayn the other day - I did contemplate smacking him but he's so clueless it would have done no use. I wont invite him again. It's hard to forgive that level of mind-less-ness.

2010-03-04T21:58:00.000Z

Today I had dinner with my bestest school friend - its so awesome being adults together and remembering how we were children together. The good thing is no matter how much time passes or doesnt, whatever we do or dont, nothing changes between us.... :)

2010-03-03T20:03:00.000Z

Maybe I am finally finding out who I really am...

2010-02-28T12:36:00.000Z

the aim was to tackle theology but ended up learning philosophy... It is strange how people consider themselves intellectuals as they can parrot rote simple concepts without much brain work and when you bring them to the realms of linguistics and philosophy and theology throughout the ages - bring them face to face with the works of the old masters, they go red in the face, try to worm their way out of discussion and overall show they do not understand at all.

The point is we are just as capable as they were back then, centuries ago, it depends if we will ever stop writing our selves off by only agreeing to learn what is simple and taught to us and never challenging the norms? Where is the fun in that eh?

2010-02-21T19:18:00.000Z

Female friends can be such a liability. It seems most only have an aptitude for complaining and bitching - on and on...gives me a headache.

What happened to good old optimism?

I love to laugh and smile and hate people who are always depressed, down, angry, bitchy and lash out because they find it hard to stomach your optimism. Pessimistics only bring people down. best avoid them like plague.

I don't know why I keep attracting moaners. Maybe I need to become less of a listener and better at getting rid of people when they turn on the bore switch lol

2010-02-20T21:20:00.000Z

Hahaha... it turned into such an awesome day after all!!!!!!!!!!

2010-02-16T20:53:00.000Z

People are strange... human beings.

Most people can seem to prioritise between the important and the not so important. People need to read the 7 habits! People think friends are a disposable commodity to be there as and when required but I'm afraid sometimes the ones you considered not so close actually treat you with more respect than close friends.

Then you get people who are so full of insecurities they cannot allow themselves to function. God help them.

And worst of all is the atheists or non-religious/anti faith people who actually preach and argue and try to "convert" you a lot worse than the religious people. As soon as they hear so and so believed in the big G, they begin on their mission!

2010-02-09T20:13:00.000Z

I studied John chapter 1 today. It was very refreshing and enlightening.

I'm a bit worried about a certain friend though. I pray for her, but I feel she is holding something back or not allowing herself to open up... I feel she is holding something inside her and bearing it alone. This is not healthy.

2010-01-25T19:27:00.000Z

The more I read the NT the more I cannot help but admit Jesus was like no other... no one quite did what he did!

2010-01-23T15:48:00.000Z

Why am I so bothered inside?

I cant even speak to Husayn properly because even though he may be able to answer my questions, I don't even know what my questions are.

I fear something is misleading me in my own soul and I keep dreaming of places seen and unseen.

I keep feeling a calling and yet I dont know what it is at all...

2010-01-21T15:05:00.000Z

It's been almost a week and I have been lying in bed with the Swine Flu... yes the deadly virus that threatens out sheer existence. And you may think, what was all the fuss about, but when I was couging and throwing up my lungs, had you seen me, you would have been worried too. The parents had a look of disbelief and worry over them for 4 days.

But lets not re-enact the whole scenes vividly here, for the want of better things; let me instead tell you of a dilemma that has been consuming me recently.

The Quran and the Bible.

The Quran refers to the Bible as a sacred text, meaning it is via divine will. However the Muslims claim it has been distorted, even though this view is neither found within the Quran, not the early scholars understandings.

But then the Bible openely calls Jesus the son of God, and the Quran openly says those who claim God begoth a son hath lied.

The bible even goes on to begin that man (adam) heard God "walking"through the heavens. Where as in Islam, God cannot be subject to the attributes of the creation such as walking, sitting, eating etc as this would negate the attributes of God-hood.

So did God make such a vastly error in the Bible? Has it really been distorted per se, and why? Or is there a mass flaw in the Islamic theological understandings?

This is my dilemma.

2010-01-14T21:11:00.000Z

I've been suffering these headaches and fatigue and I realise I need more sleep, plus, I think I may be low in vitamin B(1,2&12)... out come the multi-vitamins.

I took Husayn to MASH today. It was not as bad as I had suspected and the people were friendly and not wierd... however the music was some wierd techno and my ears were dying. I helped him pick out a nice old skool hip hop style jacket. We took some photos which maybe be photoshopped for his page.

He admitted some girls came up to him in his shiny coat some time ago and asked where he bought it. I was breathing fire. Firstly a stupid shiny coat - I mean wtf LOL then GIRLS!! I told him, "see I told you your people's (grasshoppers) girl's are sluts". TBH they all dress like bitches and hoes anyways with their behinds out and their fronts out. It's funny. The muslim ones are funny coz they have this whole muslimah hiphopper thing going on with an abayah and a JLO behing sticking out from it. GIRL - that is NOT hijab!!

So Honey is moving here - I am so excited but she cannot bring her cat. Poor thing. I am glad she is coming though, she is like me in the sense of the whole old english fascination, the costume dramas, the love and hate relationship with arabs, the saudi experiences, the whole wardrobe dilemma, the tariqa issues, the convert issues, the family issues. It's like having a white twin!

2010-01-06T14:25:00.000Z

My neighbour died last week. Today is her funeral. The horse drawn carriage arrived and lay her coffin in the back. i went out to pay my respects and as my eyes watered, her coffin looked so small and frail.

What a woman she was, 81 and strong. I cant believe she is gone.

But we must all go one day - and what we leave behind is our deeds.

2010-01-02T22:42:00.000Z

It is true what they say - most people are only your friends when they need you. When their man is away, or too busy for shopping, or when they are down, or have family problems - but most people are absent until when they need you. And thay dont even call or SMS otherwise.

I can count my true friends on my hand!

Actually, I've reached the point where I cant be bothered to keep in touch with most. It is just not worth the effort anymore.

2009-12-31T20:54:00.000Z

New years eve and new years day are the worst two days of every year for me... I spend months dreading them. May they pass quickly and painlessly as possible...

2009-12-28T17:18:00.000Z

Look at my eyes - my face is swollen for weeping.

Why dont you give me one glance Ya Habibi?

This servant of yours is living just for once glance,

I beg you to stand by me, when the waters rise above our heads, and when my life flashes before me.

Come to me, save me!

Now the sword itself wails, and the spear shrieks, And the horse which once only whinnied, laments.

Ya Husayn, the roses bloom on the dust you walk on, where your glance falls turns to light, and those you love are saved...

Ya Husayn, the master of my heart, 7abibi ana, Roohi ana, stand by me!

Yaaaaaa Sidi Yaaaa Husayn

No one is sent away from your door,

Those on whom your sweet gaze,

Rests for a moment,

Becomes life's eternal darlings.

Any particle which receives the light,

Of your attention becomes,

A thousand suns and more !

stand by me!....

2009-12-23T15:00:00.000Z

I left my heart with Imam Husayn - but he gave me so much more...

It's good to be home :)

2009-12-10T21:38:00.000Z

So had my 1st proper official gathering - dhikr - my baby :)

Need to get everyone up to speed insha Allah.

I do appreciate how hard it is to walk and commute around london in a hijab and bravo to those who do it.

Husayn has flown home. It's been a few hours and already my heart is crying...

2009-12-08T23:59:00.000Z

I'm so glad the exam is over. It was tough I wont deny it. I just pray alhamdulillah I did ok.

Now I just wanna pack my bags and run away and get a break from all of these people. I've never asked to be piggy in the middle.

I just want to see Al Husayn...

2009-12-07T18:12:00.000Z

I just wanna disappear on vacation without saying goodbye to anyone - I don't think anyone deserves to know a single thing about me, nor deserves any courtesies from me.

This world is so selfish - even people you consider you real close friends.

Take for example our friend from previous episodes: she sends me a message how a certain scholar sed if u read authubillahi minashaytani rajeem x100 even the devil will leave you alone but not a bad friend.

She is the one who won't leave me alone - especially when there is no reason for her to pretend like we are friends anymore and when I confront her about her out of no where text she diverts the convo. She gets nothing from me - not time not brain cells.

Some people want your opinion when they have trouble, but when you have issues they tell you to sort it yourself.

It's a good lesson God is teaching me - its called independance and self-sufficiency. The need to depend solely on the creator because the creation is a pile of shit.

2009-12-07T14:39:00.001Z

Why does it bother me so much - I shouldn't worry about these politics.

But the truth is I still have a nafs, we all do to some degree or another, but a underlying part of me does crave the leadership. Is it because I see chaos all around me? Because I do want to help - I know for a fact that is genuine; and I definately don't want to be a role model because look at me... you don't even need to get to know me - looking at me is enough. I am not role model quality.

And this I am going to being, are they a beginning of what is to come? Will two lives eventually merge into one?

This promotion business - what does it really mean, what does it entail? I don't want to get all bothered about it because I dont understand it. It is not like a job or career where things are clear cut. This is the spiritual world - things don't work that way here.

I am afriad of the responsibility; of letting them down and yet I want ever so much progress for me and to make them proud.

There are those who have been promised it, and they deserve it no doubt, but what about me? I have never been accustomed to sharing? It's all or nothing with me. I haven't been promised anything - well in not so many words. it was been over 2 years since the mention - and now my hands are itching a little...

curiosity is getting the better of me.

2009-11-29T21:39:00.000Z

I've exposed your lies -

the underneaths no big surprise -

now its time for changing...

2009-11-28T15:35:00.000Z

So I make this post on facebook about how no one remembers the converts on Eid and the born Muslims flip - but seriously they are all busy with their families and even if, out of their embarrassment they did invite you over, you would feel terribly out of place. Especially if you cant speak the language etc.

I am especially talking about subcontinental families who don't make an effort to speak English etc or they interrogate you about why you haven't just moved out of home, or married the 1st guy that turned up to get away from your non-believing family. AS IF??!!

Honestly they live in a oblivion. They think they have all the right culture and we have none so we can go around doing whatever without repercussions.

WRONG!

3 of my convert friends spent the day sipping tea at home alone.

At least my non-believing mom, when she found out is making the effort to make me some nice food - even though its a day late. But some of these people - they don't even have the courtesy to reply your sms or calls to wish you back. RUDE!

Next year I am not sending anyone texts or cards or anything. They can sod off!

2009-11-27T20:46:00.000Z

I HATE EID!!!

...when they want to convert you they follow you everywhere like a shadow, then once ur a new muslim they are eager to teach you everything; but once you are settled you are forgotten business and they move on to the next "project"....

its such a lonely time for born muslims. Everyone is busy with their families and we are the forgotten people.

We have no one!

2009-11-22T14:18:00.000Z

I stayed awake till 3am studying and I have only got 1/3 done for the weekend. Useless.

The woman, she is foolish because she is falling into her own pot holes. It helps to be atleast a little intelligent if you are going to be evil.

Even the lead sis has wisened up to her tricks now.

As I said to Husayn: wait, watch, laugh!

Tuesday is the 7 Dhul Hijjah, Passing away anniversary of Muhammad al Baqir, son of Zain Al Abideen.

I need to find some inner peace - I feel my body and mind is in constant motion without rest.

2009-11-17T20:53:00.000Z

So she tries to take whatever I have for herself - I understand that; but asking me to leave my love so I can join her world of eternal singledom - she must be mad?

All those months she backbited about the lead sister - and I kept defending her and then she changes her tune and pretends like she is cinderella.

Then she backbites sidi and this time I have proof - I saved all the emails and him and I compared. I have never used this word for a mureed before but she is indeed a BITCH!

She forced me to write that email to shaykh on behalf of the sisters and when hell broke lose she washed her hands from it and claimed it was all me and she had nothing to do with it. Her name is still on that email. She will pay for it.

She tried last night to break out a issue between me and the lead but I smelt the rat and i told the lead, why do you get involved? Let her come to me if she has a problem.

So many things make sense now. The time she gave me half the information and when i responded with suitable changes she talked down to me to make me look like a stupid little girl infront of the Sidi's. I know her tricks now and sadly for a 43 year old she is not too smart.

No wonder no one will marry her. Who wants a walking crack pot with baggage?

She is so jealous of me - I can see it now. When I found Husayn the 1st thing she says is she wants a ahlul bayti loving spouse; when I got my tasbih from darling Ana she put her eyes on it; when shaykh commanded me the Nahjul she wanted that too...

When I got all those dreams she started to get jealous. She couldnt handle it when Shaykh sed good things to me and when I dreamt of Al Husayn and Ali!

She is like a firecracker - her jealousy will only burn herself out but for now our sisterhood is OVER! Khalas Al Madiwadata.

2009-11-14T12:20:00.000Z

I'm wearing a berret, and a big swedish jumper inside the house.

The trees are dancing a synchronized dance; and the clouds are crying their eyes out.

The rivers are overflowing with joy and the plants get to eat tonight.

We are having a storm - and I'm oh so cold.

"A weeks too long, not to ring.
Re-colours her hair, and waits for him.
No cat against dog, just head over heels Sex twice a date, best time in years.

Oh no, why hasn't he phoned? She has to wait until he's on his own Lying and denying so nobody knows. I'll tell her this week is what he tells her to keep her on loan. He'll buy her one day

Sex drives, oral highs, cheating wives and spies. Cream cakes, coffee dates, throwing gifts, goodbye. Passed away for the day had a change of kind. Sex changes, to mundane for the average mind

Oh no she just can't say. Where he is and where he's been. Look prim and straight. Like she's always been. All that she saved for went missing again."

2009-11-11T22:05:00.000Z

You know what I really hate...

that she thinks just because she is a DR and older than me, she can tell me what to think.

So here I am advocating helping the endfistula problems and she seems to think its OK to tell me its another one of the "wests" attempt at controlling and having their way with the world by changing peoples culture.

They are not telling you not to get married young, if that rocks your boat. Hear me! They are either: stitching you up if you are ripped thru prolonged childbirth because medical is not good there or:
they provide you with condoms if you dont want to have children till you are a bit older.

What is the big conspiracy? Honestly sometimes I wonder why the east is so backwards; and then people like her confirm it for me.

2009-11-11T20:09:00.001Z

I think in the process of being a student for the past 16 years, I have perfected the art of procrastination. I wonder if I can bottle it and sell it off for good money.

My marketing campaign would say “buy your self a bottle of procrastination – a little bubble away from the realities of the rat race”

2009-11-09T20:41:00.001Z

http://www.virginunite.com/Templates/News.aspx?nid=96e9b78a-cc3b-4c6e-b4e4-bc0ba18184c1&cid=361ec6b0-0bb2-4265-854b-d7f91f3c9a2b&id=af38fb22-0da4-4af6-902a-7e063f25124a

2009-11-09T20:07:00.000Z

There is this mermaid at work, and today I was talking to her about all sorts of things and then we got speaking about Fistulas:

http://www.endfistula.org/

and she said to me after some time,

"You know one day you are going to do something big and change the world."

I said to her, "I don't know, I highly doubt it."

She goes to me, "I can see it, you will find something and fix yourself on it and really do something big."

Lets see...

2009-10-31T21:10:00.000Z

Last night was good.

Husayn and I went to leicester square for the boss's birthday. I met his wife who was really nice ans sweet. I also met his cousin who seems to be dating a "muslim" man who drunk himself silly... uh... anyways was a nice night. Husayn was really sociable (i was shocked) and looked really nice.

Today we went to see chicago the musical. We ate before we went. It was a really nice play, I was not too keen on some of the costumes. Particularly one girl who had such big bazookas and they jump flapping around everywhere and I found myself pretty much just waiting for her to have a "wardrobe malfunction" so I could laugh.

That aside was a nice play. I do prefer drama to musicals however.

I took a pic of us and showed it to the rents. They said nice things - alhamdulilleh.

2009-10-29T20:44:00.000Z

Today was our anniversary. It was really nice. He looked so sweet, he had really made the effort.

We ate veg fajitas.

He bought me all the stuff i needed, plus a beautiful ring i was lusting after for ages...

:) all smiles...

Its the Boss's birthday do tomorrow and I have no one to go with. I think I will go alone tbh and see how it goes. I hate that I feel afraid on trains at night. Why am I not braver?

2009-10-28T19:29:00.000Z

I spent have the evening traipsing over selfridges and oxford street yesterday for something mom wants and now i have really sore feet - still.

I bought a book today - the modern girls guide to getting organised. My boss seems to think I don't need it lol. It's quite funny actually; a real chick flick manual lol.

I tried a new hairstyle today - the first one in the video Mashy Haddy by nancy Ajram. Turned out real well with a silk hair scarf that Ana gave to me many moons ago.

To see the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NjZ-xKLGTY

Tomorrow is our anniversary:

I have purchased the following items...

A bear trimmer, designer socks, good quality boxer shorts, and a self help book called No More Excuses.

2009-10-26T20:14:00.001Z

Had my appraisal today - went really well al7amdulilleh...

My wisdom tooth is really hurting, the gum on top has been forced to move and its nots happy. I must really be getting wise.

2009-10-25T20:29:00.001Z

Went to Selfridges today - was great. I am all green eyed.

I tried on a watch in Cartier for £16K!!! Was white gold and diamond. Was so heavy.

I loved all the shops.

And the food was yummy ate Nasi Goreng.

2009-10-24T17:12:00.000+01:00

2009-10-24T17:10:00.000+01:00

Men in London are gits.

I was on the tube yesterday and a blind girl with a guard dog came on and nobody let her sit down. I then guided her to a seat softly by holding her arm.

Then men just stared on into oblivion.

7aram 3alayk!

2009-10-24T14:59:00.000+01:00

I hate hypocrites.

The try to be all self righteous and advice you - and when you tell them and what if you were in this situation would you say the same; or if your child was...

and suddenly they get all angry about how dare you be like that.

Hypocrisy. If you dont want it for yourself - stop preaching at me! F OFF!

2009-10-16T20:49:00.000+01:00

Today Kamilia came to visit me, at work for lunch. She brought her little neice with her.

It was really nice seeing them. She is a convert as well, we met at the university mosque many years ago and she is just down here for family.

Sigh... how time flies.

There are fireworks going on outside, the hindu festival of diwali is there. Thing is no matter what the occassion, I just hate fireworks. So much for noise and air pollution eh?

2009-10-14T20:42:00.001+01:00

I'm trying to write this assignment and its making me fiddle.....last night was bad - I cried for 2 hours. I thought I was losing my emaan. But then I questioned myself... do I believe in the Shahada? yes, do i believe in quran? yes, fiqh? yes, aqeedah? yes etc etc but I still felt like a munafiq.

Then I called on Husayn (the Imam), YA HUSAYN MADDAD... for a long time then I fell asleep.I had a dream that my friend Aisha, she came to me and said to me, " Nafeesa and Sakina make the hearts grow closer to each other". I wonder what that means?

2009-10-14T20:41:00.003+01:00

Sunday, 11 October 2009

I hate who I have become;I hate getting mad over the smallest of things.I hate that feeling inside me that is fighting the moderate religion to the loopy...I hate being surrounded by people who are so smug in their own lifestyles they make it their business to talk down to you or to belittle you...

And yet I hate beign surrounded by exceedingly stupid people.I don't where that zest I used to have went? Is this what grown up life does to us?

That I sit and stare at my bookshelf all day but not even one muscle twitches to pick one up?I hate how people who have not grown up in your culture try to tell you what to do or how to treat your family or how to behave.

But I most of all hate that the pink bubble I used to live in has finally burst.

2009-10-14T20:41:00.001+01:00

Lunch

Today was nice. The moroccan setting the friendly faces - was lovely.

I did get a little agitated when Husayn forgot his belongings but we sorted it out. The funny thing is our company Mr Accounting mentioned to Husayn he wasnt too thrilled he didnt get to pick his own food - oh well 3 domineering women what can I say?

I loved seeing you Ana... it made my day. You are so beautiful inside and out and truly my best friend.

Loved seeing Mary too - brings back the good old days of girl parties, belly dancing and mawlids.

Ana - Husayn thought something really wierd must have gone on because you didnt tell the whole English class story LOL LOL.

2009-10-14T20:40:00.005+01:00

YES I was definately loopy last night. I suppose what I mean to say was, is window shopping healthy, even if you don't buy??

But then Shaykh says, you get de-sensitized to the one you see daily in all of his/her forms, when tired, hungry, dirty, angry etc but the ones you see outside you only see them in the best of forms and someone else sees them in all their forms. So one should bear this in mind.

But what I realised is, as much as anyone tells you they love you; its the one who stays with you who truly means it!!For the others it would just be words, and as my Shaykh says, words are cheap.

Yes I have a Shaykh, a spiritual master in the sciences of tasawuf. Not the crazy floating in air stuff, the art of improving ones character and heart.

At the moment I'm struggling; I have no will to do my awrad (meditations).

I feel tired all the time and due to the many disagreements with Husayn sometimes I just feel to angry to sit and contemplate.

But I have intention to calm down and get back on track again...Im so excited about tomorrow - I just hope the food will be good.

Mahsa is hungry. Mahsa wants to eat.

2009-10-14T20:39:00.003+01:00

Friday, 09 October 2009

I am so tired. I know I go on and on about it.... but I am.I got back from work, ate and here I am. I am supposed to be writing up my course exam as submission is next week. But where is motivation when I need her?

I am sipping "persian" tea... for sure its an imitation because it is tea BAGS!!! And where is my samovar?? I need a samovar!!!

Why is it that it is easier to talk to men at work? They come with less BS!!I was listening to Elissa on the way home... ah Elissa the voice of my heart...

"Min kotr 7oby fek 5alas ana arbt akrahak3ashan mosh 3arfa aktar min ely 3amlto a3ml ehmosh bas 3eny w ro7y kol mafea bendahakkol el2olob sem3tny wenta mpsh sam3ny leh"

translated approximately as:"I loved you so much I started to hate you because I don't know what it is you did Its not just my eyes or my soul calling you; it's everythingall the hearts heard me but you didn't hear..."

I just love how deep her lyrics are and how warm her voice is. You can really understand the depths in her songs.Ok i have to go write my paper now.... enough procrastinating for one night.

2009-10-14T20:38:00.001+01:00

Thursday, 08 October 2009
tired
I am so tired! Its 10pm and I just got back from my evening class after work. I work long hours too. When I woke up this morning I seriously wondered whether it was worth it... the 3hr commute a day, the 6am starts, the 11pm shut eyes and the continous exhaustion...

You feel like death warmed up - and when you realise people more junior and less service get paid more than you because you joined slap bang in the middle of the crunch you feel like there is nothing worth getting out of bed for in the morning. Should I stop complaining because half of my peers are unemployed? Perhaps.

But never the less I work hard and I need a raise.I need more than a raise. I need more down time. I need less commute. I need to feel like my body belongs to a human being and not a robot anymore.

Don't get me wrong I love my job. I love it alot. I love my manager too and the people around me. Its just I feel so tired all the time and due to the lack of REMUNERATION I cant afford to live nearer to work.
Simple really.

2009-10-14T20:36:00.001+01:00

Random...

So today he (my other half namely Husayn) turned up early for lunch... YES EARLY!!! (Though if I'm honest it's me who is always late). And i made him wait around 15 minutes because I was multi-tasking as my colleagues have gone on an external job and I was holding the fort.

So at first it was a little odd because I was still upset about many issues and over the lunch we discussed it and i was cheered up enough to wipe out a plate of mini waffles. At work it was busy and I was stressed and I drank too much tea... which is not good because the tea from the vending tastes like liquid cardboard boxes.

After work he was there and we met and went to nero and I ordered a dry cappaccino. And over the chocolate cake we sorted out our hypothetical differences and I made him understand why I am so obsessed with secular education. And he made me understand why he is so obsessed with deen education. And we decided when we have children I will forsee to the former and he to the latter.

I forgot to mention I found a stray cellphone in the middle of the street at lunch which was going to be run over by a bus so i rescued it from the bus and a typical hoodlum teenager who was eyeing it up and I called the number on it so I hope she contacts the owner and he comes and picks it up. It has such a cute baby picture on it, I would hate the parent to lose his snaps.

So I'm trying to organise this lunch on sunday and i cant figure out the perfect city location or the place... I hope wayfarer will help me and will come... I really miss her.

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07/10/09

2009-10-14T20:34:00.001+01:00

Hellos and introductions

So here I am a 20-something, ethnically confused, financial industry career girl trying to get back into the world of blogging after a long time. If you dont know me let me explain; its not easy being a convert, living in the west and fighting between cultures. Especially when ones other half is a native viking, who thinks I regularly lose my mind to my internal conflicts. I would appreciate any suggestions, comments and ramblings anyone has for me...